Finally, after several months of debating and waffling, I've ended the friendship I've been clinging to despite the detriment to myself. Finally devotions to friendships were tried and decisions were made. I can honestly say, this time there is no second chance. There is no way to save it. She's crossed the line. The line I never believed she was capable of crossing.
I'm amazingly alright with it. While I know there's still stress on the doorstep, knowing I decided this and I took the action my gut was crying for is enough to soothe my nerves.
Song for the day: Me, Myself & I by Hanson.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
I stayed behind so you'd miss me.
I'm finding myself breaking away from people. I'm distancing myself almost purposefully at this point. I spend so much time by myself in this corner desk of mine that I find myself uncomfortable around people. For someone as verbose and gregarious as I am that's a scary thought.
It's had some benefits. Don't get me wrong. It's afforded me the chance to stay home most nights and actually save some money. It's allowed me to select which friends I want to spend my energy on, rather than feel like I have to talk to the people in my life who don't have anything in common with me. Love is fuller. Loneliness is quieter.
Still, I think I'm rounding the corner where I either find some interaction with people or I'm bound to become the crazy cat lady. Ah the crazy cat lady. Just a lady who has no idea how to handle people but can handle cats... true I'd be the crazy dog lady. I can't handle cats either.
Song for the day: For Today by Jessica Lea Mayfield
It's had some benefits. Don't get me wrong. It's afforded me the chance to stay home most nights and actually save some money. It's allowed me to select which friends I want to spend my energy on, rather than feel like I have to talk to the people in my life who don't have anything in common with me. Love is fuller. Loneliness is quieter.
Still, I think I'm rounding the corner where I either find some interaction with people or I'm bound to become the crazy cat lady. Ah the crazy cat lady. Just a lady who has no idea how to handle people but can handle cats... true I'd be the crazy dog lady. I can't handle cats either.
Song for the day: For Today by Jessica Lea Mayfield
Thursday, June 24, 2010
We count only blue cars
Since I was 18, I have been accustomed to being able to get up and leave any house, any town, any place I wanted to. In fact, since August of 2004, I have been accustomed to actually doing this. The highways surrounding Maryville, Missouri are very well known to me. (Should you ever get lost in that corner of the world I can point your way, at least until you get to Nebraska.) Every time I would get to feeling listless or trapped, generally depressed or frustrated I would take an hour out of my day and drive. There are amazing things to be found in the small towns surrounding a small college town; bizarre names, awesome shoppes and gorgeous landscapes. But most of what I found on these journeys was freedom.
It dawned on me not too long ago that the reason why I have been so listless and perhaps why I have been so easily stressed is my lack of a car. It's been nearly six months since my last voyage out and about just for the thrill of driving. Scratch that... seven months. As the summer wears on, I find myself not staring that the trees longing for the scenery, I'm gazing at the highway pining for a road trip with the music up, the windows down and my hair whipping me in the face. The simple notion of not being able to just get up and go is driving me crazy. I feel like a caged bird. That even considers the road trip to Tulsa and OKC in March. I didn't drive. I didn't roll down the windows and belt out my favorite song (once but the windows were up, and I was the only one who knew the words to Nelly's 'Country Grammar'). The notion of picking up and going is what I'm missing. I've got the best summer sound track for road trips; a little Company, Carney, Hanson and a dash of Avenue Q. Well, that would get me to Tulsa. But with out that car, with some one else's schedule to meet, it's just not a road trip. It's just a meeting on wheels.
This summer I'm taking that long awaited road trip. I'm taking detours. And I'm not going to see anyone for near long enough to be tired of them.
My stress breaking freedom bringing vacation on wheels. I can't wait!
Song for the day: Blue Cars by Dishwalla
It dawned on me not too long ago that the reason why I have been so listless and perhaps why I have been so easily stressed is my lack of a car. It's been nearly six months since my last voyage out and about just for the thrill of driving. Scratch that... seven months. As the summer wears on, I find myself not staring that the trees longing for the scenery, I'm gazing at the highway pining for a road trip with the music up, the windows down and my hair whipping me in the face. The simple notion of not being able to just get up and go is driving me crazy. I feel like a caged bird. That even considers the road trip to Tulsa and OKC in March. I didn't drive. I didn't roll down the windows and belt out my favorite song (once but the windows were up, and I was the only one who knew the words to Nelly's 'Country Grammar'). The notion of picking up and going is what I'm missing. I've got the best summer sound track for road trips; a little Company, Carney, Hanson and a dash of Avenue Q. Well, that would get me to Tulsa. But with out that car, with some one else's schedule to meet, it's just not a road trip. It's just a meeting on wheels.
This summer I'm taking that long awaited road trip. I'm taking detours. And I'm not going to see anyone for near long enough to be tired of them.
My stress breaking freedom bringing vacation on wheels. I can't wait!
Song for the day: Blue Cars by Dishwalla
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Truth shall leave you bruised
Randomness from this weekend:
The thing about telling people the truth is that it usually hurts. It's necessary and it's ultimately helpful, but the moment we start to do it... it's not a pretty site.
If you don't want people to treat you like a child, you shouldn't act like one.
Good people make concerts worth while.
Meeting up with people you don't often talk to is usually worth it.
Following through on promises can make people really happy, encouraged and feel loved.
Not following through on promises can make people really hurt, disappointed and feel unloved.
Some things will never change no matter how much we want them to.
Words hurt. Even the words you didn't really mean to say and wish you can take back can cut just as fast and as deep as the words you choose with care.
Song for the weekend:
No Better by Sherwood
The thing about telling people the truth is that it usually hurts. It's necessary and it's ultimately helpful, but the moment we start to do it... it's not a pretty site.
If you don't want people to treat you like a child, you shouldn't act like one.
Good people make concerts worth while.
Meeting up with people you don't often talk to is usually worth it.
Following through on promises can make people really happy, encouraged and feel loved.
Not following through on promises can make people really hurt, disappointed and feel unloved.
Some things will never change no matter how much we want them to.
Words hurt. Even the words you didn't really mean to say and wish you can take back can cut just as fast and as deep as the words you choose with care.
Song for the weekend:
No Better by Sherwood
Friday, June 11, 2010
A Bit Tired of Shouting
I've been a so busy I've forgotten how to breathe and sit down to write. For this I am truly sorry. Truly.
So here's the recap of what's going on. I've given hints that I'm on the edge of walking out the door of a few relationships and that there are a lot of changes on my horizon. Those of you who know me know that change and me don't get along. We're like oil and water, like oil in the water in sensitive unstable ecosystem. It's not a pretty picture.
It goes with out saying that some of my friends are making decisions that I not only personally disagree with but jeopardize the very essence of our relationship. But that's neither here nor there.
About a week ago, (was it that recently?) I was reminded that life is way to short to spend playing it safe. And since then my conversations have decidedly turned towards encouraging people to at least not let their passions die. From friends who've found the rough patch in their game plans of life, to co-workers who let their passion for writing fade as they got older, my resounding chorus for the last week, maybe two, has been "Do it! Even if all you do is for you, you can't let it die."
Why? Because it's a part of your voice, a part of your spirit, it's the part of America that creates, that produces rather than consumes. It's the part of America that discerns rather than sits back and just takes what they can get.
We all have hopes and dreams while we're growing up, but then somewhere along the line we start playing it safe. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing when you need to let a dream go, but there's something wrong with letting passion die. That passion is the thing that gets me out of the bed in the morning and reminds me that the beige walls of my office are not the only horizon I'll see.
It's the quiet fight for passion and art that I've been advocating. I'll never tell you that we can all be rock stars or all be on the New York Time's best seller list, but we all enjoy something creative and we can't lose that in the grind from 9 to 5. I'm a bit tired of shouting at people (friends and co-workers alike) to just have some passion. I don't like shouting. In fact I dare say I hate it. I want people to listen, not just hear me but listen, and that way I can save my voice a bit.
Despite all that frustration with myself for not being as passionate as I should be (ooo I"m preaching to myself) and with people who's eye's shine when they talk about their book but then don't pick up a pen, today I was hit with the one piece of news that makes it all worth it. The 38 year old co-worker who had his dreams ripped from his hands in the prime of his life is setting aside some time this weekend to write. No pressure on himself, he's just going to sit down and write. Whatever results is the result. That's refreshing.
I've yammered on long enough... but I will say this, through out it all, I've had a smile on my face because of this album.
Oh go check it out. Buy it, rock out... and smile. Because this time around, we know life's a battle that we all ultimately lose... but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.
So here's the recap of what's going on. I've given hints that I'm on the edge of walking out the door of a few relationships and that there are a lot of changes on my horizon. Those of you who know me know that change and me don't get along. We're like oil and water, like oil in the water in sensitive unstable ecosystem. It's not a pretty picture.
It goes with out saying that some of my friends are making decisions that I not only personally disagree with but jeopardize the very essence of our relationship. But that's neither here nor there.
About a week ago, (was it that recently?) I was reminded that life is way to short to spend playing it safe. And since then my conversations have decidedly turned towards encouraging people to at least not let their passions die. From friends who've found the rough patch in their game plans of life, to co-workers who let their passion for writing fade as they got older, my resounding chorus for the last week, maybe two, has been "Do it! Even if all you do is for you, you can't let it die."
Why? Because it's a part of your voice, a part of your spirit, it's the part of America that creates, that produces rather than consumes. It's the part of America that discerns rather than sits back and just takes what they can get.
We all have hopes and dreams while we're growing up, but then somewhere along the line we start playing it safe. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing when you need to let a dream go, but there's something wrong with letting passion die. That passion is the thing that gets me out of the bed in the morning and reminds me that the beige walls of my office are not the only horizon I'll see.
It's the quiet fight for passion and art that I've been advocating. I'll never tell you that we can all be rock stars or all be on the New York Time's best seller list, but we all enjoy something creative and we can't lose that in the grind from 9 to 5. I'm a bit tired of shouting at people (friends and co-workers alike) to just have some passion. I don't like shouting. In fact I dare say I hate it. I want people to listen, not just hear me but listen, and that way I can save my voice a bit.
Despite all that frustration with myself for not being as passionate as I should be (ooo I"m preaching to myself) and with people who's eye's shine when they talk about their book but then don't pick up a pen, today I was hit with the one piece of news that makes it all worth it. The 38 year old co-worker who had his dreams ripped from his hands in the prime of his life is setting aside some time this weekend to write. No pressure on himself, he's just going to sit down and write. Whatever results is the result. That's refreshing.
I've yammered on long enough... but I will say this, through out it all, I've had a smile on my face because of this album.
Oh go check it out. Buy it, rock out... and smile. Because this time around, we know life's a battle that we all ultimately lose... but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.
Monday, May 24, 2010
I know it isn't much
This weekend was a lesson in love languages and balance.
We all have a way that we tell people that we love them. Some of us use words, some of us give gifts, or buy dinner, some of us do things that we know the other person doesn't want to do so they don't have to, some of us require cuddle time. Remarkably, my family is about diverse in love languages as possible. That leads to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of resentment.
This weekend though we somehow found a way to balance all of that and get a long. We got things done and that was a good feeling.
Song of the day: This Christmas I'm Yours : This Is Energy.
We all have a way that we tell people that we love them. Some of us use words, some of us give gifts, or buy dinner, some of us do things that we know the other person doesn't want to do so they don't have to, some of us require cuddle time. Remarkably, my family is about diverse in love languages as possible. That leads to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of resentment.
This weekend though we somehow found a way to balance all of that and get a long. We got things done and that was a good feeling.
Song of the day: This Christmas I'm Yours : This Is Energy.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
You used to laugh under the covers... maybe not so often now...
Stay or leave... that's the question. It feels like that's the question of my life most of the time. End a relationship, just walk away or just give space. There's a never ending attempt to balance forgiveness with sticking in a bad relationship.
Song of the day: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews.
Song of the day: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Game Plans and baby steps.
There's a problem with game plans... the things in life that require good quality well thought out game plans are the ones that require a lot of waiting.
The game plan for paying off debt, for finishing school, for moving, for buying a car or even for getting a better job all require a well planned and well executed game plan. I can write out a game plan. I can even sit down and figure out what's realistic and what's going to require me to win the lottery to make it happen. I write it all out, and then I take the first step and then I get to wait. Wait for the next pay check, for August, for another month or two for leases to be open, wait for a down payment to build up... and wait for everything else to wrap up before I go chase the job.
Waiting sucks. Waiting makes other people think that you aren't trying, and just to be clear... I'm trying but it's a matter of baby steps. Painfully slow and tiny baby steps. Sigh.
Songs that make the daily battle a little bit easier:
Sherwood : Best In Me
http://bit.ly/BestInMe_Sherwood
The game plan for paying off debt, for finishing school, for moving, for buying a car or even for getting a better job all require a well planned and well executed game plan. I can write out a game plan. I can even sit down and figure out what's realistic and what's going to require me to win the lottery to make it happen. I write it all out, and then I take the first step and then I get to wait. Wait for the next pay check, for August, for another month or two for leases to be open, wait for a down payment to build up... and wait for everything else to wrap up before I go chase the job.
Waiting sucks. Waiting makes other people think that you aren't trying, and just to be clear... I'm trying but it's a matter of baby steps. Painfully slow and tiny baby steps. Sigh.
Songs that make the daily battle a little bit easier:
Sherwood : Best In Me
http://bit.ly/BestInMe_Sherwood
Monday, April 26, 2010
It's been a minute
So it's been a while since I updated... the weather turned. I've been soaking up the rain, and swimming in laudry.
However, I wanted to throw out a song for you who follow... a song of the week as it were...
When Did Your Heart Go Missing - Rooney
However, I wanted to throw out a song for you who follow... a song of the week as it were...
When Did Your Heart Go Missing - Rooney
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Turn the radio up!
The weather has gotten AWESOME! here. Seriously. No no no... SERIOUSLY AWESOME!
Awesome enough that I'm driving around with the windows down, radio up... wait let me do this right...I've started to "roll the window down, turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground". This (of course) means I've needed some high quality jams and I've turned to the radio up and found a bunch of old awesome songs, and then some commercials and then some really crappy music. Let me tell you, that can just kill a day.
So I'm itching for some new music and to the benefit of the world new music is coming. Here's some albums you need to check out from some bands you can count on to take an awesome drive and make it a-mazing.
Awesome enough that I'm driving around with the windows down, radio up... wait let me do this right...I've started to "roll the window down, turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground". This (of course) means I've needed some high quality jams and I've turned to the radio up and found a bunch of old awesome songs, and then some commercials and then some really crappy music. Let me tell you, that can just kill a day.
So I'm itching for some new music and to the benefit of the world new music is coming. Here's some albums you need to check out from some bands you can count on to take an awesome drive and make it a-mazing.
Carney - Mr. Green: Volume 1
oh I know, with a band name like Carney you've already got the circus tent and jugglers in mind. Simmer down and come back to the city. Check them out at www.carneyband.com and check out the video for "Love Me Chase Me". If some how you manage to watch the video with out drooling all over your keyboard you'll have noticed that they're FANTASTIC.
Hanson - Shout It Out
If you know me at all you will have noticed that I'm a Hanson fan. Not one of those "Oh my god, you're a Fanson. I bet you know what color toothbrush they all have." Hanson fans. No no, I'm the kind who just happen to have awesome taste in music. If you've been living under a rock or tuning me out for the last 13 years, go check them out. You might just be pleasantly surprised when you do. Check out the video for "Thinkin' 'Bout Somethin'" (and you know I cringe with all those apostrophes) and check out the new material at www.hanson.net
Caedmon's Call - in the works
Ok this is kind of cheating... and completely different. The album is in the works but if it's half as good as Derek Webb is making it sound on twitter it will be something awesome this fall.
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