OH yeah, I've been slacking on this whole thing.
This past month has been crazy. I say that every month right? Right. I can honestly say that I've lost myself just a little bit this past few weeks. What's scariest about that is the last week or so has been full of moments when I desperately needed to know myself and be fully aware of who and what I am. Yet the last three weeks I haven't been too sure.
In the middle of my breakdown I wound up calling an old friend (who already has a spot in the thank yous of a book that hasn't been published - We'll talk about the book later) and lamenting to her while we caught up on our lives. We wound up reminding and reassuring the other that we are, in fact, kind of awesome. The kind of awesome that leaves people who are just good (but not awesome) comfortable with being our friends, but leaves them longing to be just a little bit more like us.
Thank God I talked to her. She really is an angel. See, I was recalling every compliment I'd ever received about anything in the history of the ever ever and doubting its sincerity and the merit of the person who said it. Let me tell you, that is the lowest of the low feelings. That's the moment when you realize every last person has some terrible flaw and you wind up dismissing their compliments, then you realize that dismissing their compliments means that you are a stuck up self-righteous prick. Well, that's not fair. It means that you're acting like a stuck up self-righteous prick. Then you really start to doubt yourself.
It's a vicious cycle.
It's just an ordinary cycle every creative person goes through. But it can break people. And then people lose their passions and they settle for the job that the don't like, and don't even pass their former reasons for living off as a hobby.
What's great about realizing that this is where I was? Well, I'm past it for one. Two, it broke a writer's block of almost two months. (WOO!) and three, it came came complete with a "what-ever happened to that book you were supposed to be getting published?" Right. Right. Publishing... let's focus on a few articles in a few magazine's first. Before we do that how about we focus on not thinking we're a complete failure.
And not thinking you're a complete failure is a lot easier to do when your friends are also your fans. :)
So the song for this post is Ordinary Breakdown by Bleu... you don't know that song? You can't find it on his website (http://www.bleutopia.com/)? You've never heard of it? Oh. Sucks to be you. You need to go tweet to get him on the Ellen show... simple tweet something to the effect of "Yo @theellenshow I want @bleutopia to #GetOnEllen Watch him at www.youtube.com/bleuteub " and then if Bleu thinks you're as awesome as me and a few other people he'll send you a copy of the song for free. Why? Because he's AWESOME that's why. Just go do it. You'll thank me later when your friends are asking you how you got so awesome. "Oh, I just took Eli's advice and started being awesome."
I'm off to shower and then enjoy more Japan-animae.
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