Every other time I've been in this situation I've known what to do and how to handle it. Every other time I've been at a spot where I had to choose to stay and fight or leave, I've always known what to do. And almost every time a friend has been in this spot I've known how to deal with it. At this point... I'm torn. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
A piece of me feels like this will blow over because it always has. It always does. That's how things work with this relationship...
But then we're at the point where the relationship ends for me. It's been almost 5 years. That's my breaking point. I'm so tired. So tired of constantly bailing her out. Of constantly fixing her problems. So tired of pulling out information about who she is and what she's doing.
I don't have the energy for it. But then... maybe it's just that I'm tired of arguing. I've lost a sense of grace I used to have. I just don't know.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Promises, Promises
Ah so I promised you stories from the weekend in OK! So here are a few... well, at least breif lessons learned... and maybe some stories.
Sand Springs is really far away from Tulsa when you've already been in the car two hours longer than neccessary.
When you can't say a word in certain company it seems to be the only word you need to say.
12 hours in a car with people you don't really know can drive you to drink.
It's hard to share a bed with someone you want to smack.
Lies are hard to digest.
The best places to be are tiny little dive bars you have to go looking for.
40 year old women don't need to wear mini skirts to said dive bars.
Dreams come true if you're willing to keep your eyes open and look for them.
The best lines are said when no one has a pen to write them down.
106.1 IS the BEST radio station in Oklahoma and even they repeat the same 25 songs.
"No Rain" by Blind Melon is not creatively ironic to play while it's snowing.
Flip flops are not the best shoes of choice when it's snowing. Neither are Toms.
Dry socks are worth stopping for and worth putting on while you're still in KMart.
Just because a man has dated a girl doesn't mean he's straight.
Never assume you didn't get the shot, but take another one anyway.
Looks can be decieving. Sometimes the chili cheese omlete is the best thing on the menu and the salsa kills the hashbrowns.
The green sauce will kill taste buds.
Mexican is always a safe bet.
If the restuarant smells like fish when you open the door chances are all your food will taste like fish.
Museums are meant to be enjoyed slowly and reverantly. Bouncing up and down like a five year old will get you yelled at and will cause all of your friends to consider just how closely they want to stand near you.
There is always one friend who is the "mom" of the group. Her kids are the reason she drinks. (If you're not sure if you're one of her kids, you probably are.)
Appearances can be everything.
It's worth walking barefoot through the snow to see the better appartment.
If a coffee house can't make a good cup-o-joe, chances are I can take it out.
Asking artists about their work will get you mad props.
Always ask the sales clerk at a local store about their favorite merch. You might just meet someone awesome and get a great music referrence too.
Some people are more than kind of awesome.
Finally if you don't set your boundaries, someone will press all your buttons.
Those are just some of the lessons we were reminded of. But the best is this: Hope comes in all sorts of ways and places. Sometimes it's the one who's giving advice, sometimes it's the one who needs it who creates it, but hope never travels alone. You've got to be open to people to see the hope in their lives.
Sand Springs is really far away from Tulsa when you've already been in the car two hours longer than neccessary.
When you can't say a word in certain company it seems to be the only word you need to say.
12 hours in a car with people you don't really know can drive you to drink.
It's hard to share a bed with someone you want to smack.
Lies are hard to digest.
The best places to be are tiny little dive bars you have to go looking for.
40 year old women don't need to wear mini skirts to said dive bars.
Dreams come true if you're willing to keep your eyes open and look for them.
The best lines are said when no one has a pen to write them down.
106.1 IS the BEST radio station in Oklahoma and even they repeat the same 25 songs.
"No Rain" by Blind Melon is not creatively ironic to play while it's snowing.
Flip flops are not the best shoes of choice when it's snowing. Neither are Toms.
Dry socks are worth stopping for and worth putting on while you're still in KMart.
Just because a man has dated a girl doesn't mean he's straight.
Never assume you didn't get the shot, but take another one anyway.
Looks can be decieving. Sometimes the chili cheese omlete is the best thing on the menu and the salsa kills the hashbrowns.
The green sauce will kill taste buds.
Mexican is always a safe bet.
If the restuarant smells like fish when you open the door chances are all your food will taste like fish.
Museums are meant to be enjoyed slowly and reverantly. Bouncing up and down like a five year old will get you yelled at and will cause all of your friends to consider just how closely they want to stand near you.
There is always one friend who is the "mom" of the group. Her kids are the reason she drinks. (If you're not sure if you're one of her kids, you probably are.)
Appearances can be everything.
It's worth walking barefoot through the snow to see the better appartment.
If a coffee house can't make a good cup-o-joe, chances are I can take it out.
Asking artists about their work will get you mad props.
Always ask the sales clerk at a local store about their favorite merch. You might just meet someone awesome and get a great music referrence too.
Some people are more than kind of awesome.
Finally if you don't set your boundaries, someone will press all your buttons.
Those are just some of the lessons we were reminded of. But the best is this: Hope comes in all sorts of ways and places. Sometimes it's the one who's giving advice, sometimes it's the one who needs it who creates it, but hope never travels alone. You've got to be open to people to see the hope in their lives.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Every rose has a thorn
This weekend has been full of awesome sauce and chilli cheese and bad ideas for my digestion. This weekend has been the first annual "Typing with purpose convference". A group of writers from various different backgrounds and with different styles have gathered to bounce off ideas and embrace the dissonance and make something (hopefully) beautiful out of it. Although, that's not how this weekend was billed it's what it's become and that's actually kind of amazing.
It was billed as just a weekend of friends.... but it quickly became a weekend of friends who like pens.
At the same time that we've all found something awesome to share with each other we're finding out what our limits are. I'll add some stories later.. I promise.
It was billed as just a weekend of friends.... but it quickly became a weekend of friends who like pens.
At the same time that we've all found something awesome to share with each other we're finding out what our limits are. I'll add some stories later.. I promise.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I heard the news today...
I got word today that my best friend miscarried this week. It's brought about a series of emotions that seems to rest somewhere in a dynamic sense of loss and self-righteous anger and then concern.
A sense of loss because Peanut J Love Muffin was gonna be one kick but kid. And the kid in town who I could play aunt to when I can't see my neice and nephews in Nebraska. If Peanut tured out half as awesome as his parents he'd be one hell of a kid. I'm greiving the chance to see him grow up, and the chance to watch my friend watch him grow up. She is really ready to be a mom.
Which brings us to the self-righteous anger and concern. She's ready to be a mom, and there are very few people who I could say that of. She's not looking to fill a void in her life by having something to do or someone who loves her. She wants a family because she's ready to give all the rest of the love in her oversized heart to someone else in her family. She's so ready for it it hurts. She's so motherly that I sometimes wish she was old enough to be my mom so I could have yet another. And I mean that in the most sincerly happy way ever. She's a bake you cookies when you're having a bad day kind of mom. If you ever meet her, you'd know it right off the bat too. So the anger kicks in.
How could God not give her this kid when he's willing to let my crack head cousin have two? How could God not put a kid in to this insanely happy and healthy home when he'd put six into the unhealthy home my neice and nephews were saved from? How could he play with my friend's emotions to let her conceive but then not carry to term? Where the hell is the good in that?
Then the anger at society's phrases for this. It's always "So and so miscarried." or "She lost the child", there is always a tone of fault and it's always the mom's. That's not fair. Trust me there was nothing this girl could have done to have better prepared herself and her body to carry this kid. She wasn't running around lifting a million pounds or drinking or smoking or what have you. She created the best little home for the kid possible. If Peanut wasn't willing to stick around, that's not her fault at all.
The anger gives way to concern. What can I say to her that will make this better? Nothing. I can try but then again, there's nothing I can do. Not a single solitary thing that will make this different or better. I know she's crying her self to sleep. I know she wants to hide from the world, curl up in a little ball and let the world go away. I don't know how to pull her out of it and I don't know if I'd want to. If I were her I'd hate me for pulling me out of it. Then there's her husband who's become a friend as well. How does he go on with school and work when his world is falling apart? How does he save his wife with out throwing away everything they've worked so long and so hard for?
I don't have the answers to these questions although it's not the first I've been in this spot. It wasn't that long ago that I was asking the same questions when my brother and sister (in-love) suffered the loss of their first child. If you think of it, please say a little prayer for my friend and all the families who have lost loved ones particularly children. Lord knows that's the only way to save these broken hearts.
A sense of loss because Peanut J Love Muffin was gonna be one kick but kid. And the kid in town who I could play aunt to when I can't see my neice and nephews in Nebraska. If Peanut tured out half as awesome as his parents he'd be one hell of a kid. I'm greiving the chance to see him grow up, and the chance to watch my friend watch him grow up. She is really ready to be a mom.
Which brings us to the self-righteous anger and concern. She's ready to be a mom, and there are very few people who I could say that of. She's not looking to fill a void in her life by having something to do or someone who loves her. She wants a family because she's ready to give all the rest of the love in her oversized heart to someone else in her family. She's so ready for it it hurts. She's so motherly that I sometimes wish she was old enough to be my mom so I could have yet another. And I mean that in the most sincerly happy way ever. She's a bake you cookies when you're having a bad day kind of mom. If you ever meet her, you'd know it right off the bat too. So the anger kicks in.
How could God not give her this kid when he's willing to let my crack head cousin have two? How could God not put a kid in to this insanely happy and healthy home when he'd put six into the unhealthy home my neice and nephews were saved from? How could he play with my friend's emotions to let her conceive but then not carry to term? Where the hell is the good in that?
Then the anger at society's phrases for this. It's always "So and so miscarried." or "She lost the child", there is always a tone of fault and it's always the mom's. That's not fair. Trust me there was nothing this girl could have done to have better prepared herself and her body to carry this kid. She wasn't running around lifting a million pounds or drinking or smoking or what have you. She created the best little home for the kid possible. If Peanut wasn't willing to stick around, that's not her fault at all.
The anger gives way to concern. What can I say to her that will make this better? Nothing. I can try but then again, there's nothing I can do. Not a single solitary thing that will make this different or better. I know she's crying her self to sleep. I know she wants to hide from the world, curl up in a little ball and let the world go away. I don't know how to pull her out of it and I don't know if I'd want to. If I were her I'd hate me for pulling me out of it. Then there's her husband who's become a friend as well. How does he go on with school and work when his world is falling apart? How does he save his wife with out throwing away everything they've worked so long and so hard for?
I don't have the answers to these questions although it's not the first I've been in this spot. It wasn't that long ago that I was asking the same questions when my brother and sister (in-love) suffered the loss of their first child. If you think of it, please say a little prayer for my friend and all the families who have lost loved ones particularly children. Lord knows that's the only way to save these broken hearts.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Ordinary Breakdown - Bleu
OH yeah, I've been slacking on this whole thing.
This past month has been crazy. I say that every month right? Right. I can honestly say that I've lost myself just a little bit this past few weeks. What's scariest about that is the last week or so has been full of moments when I desperately needed to know myself and be fully aware of who and what I am. Yet the last three weeks I haven't been too sure.
In the middle of my breakdown I wound up calling an old friend (who already has a spot in the thank yous of a book that hasn't been published - We'll talk about the book later) and lamenting to her while we caught up on our lives. We wound up reminding and reassuring the other that we are, in fact, kind of awesome. The kind of awesome that leaves people who are just good (but not awesome) comfortable with being our friends, but leaves them longing to be just a little bit more like us.
Thank God I talked to her. She really is an angel. See, I was recalling every compliment I'd ever received about anything in the history of the ever ever and doubting its sincerity and the merit of the person who said it. Let me tell you, that is the lowest of the low feelings. That's the moment when you realize every last person has some terrible flaw and you wind up dismissing their compliments, then you realize that dismissing their compliments means that you are a stuck up self-righteous prick. Well, that's not fair. It means that you're acting like a stuck up self-righteous prick. Then you really start to doubt yourself.
It's a vicious cycle.
It's just an ordinary cycle every creative person goes through. But it can break people. And then people lose their passions and they settle for the job that the don't like, and don't even pass their former reasons for living off as a hobby.
What's great about realizing that this is where I was? Well, I'm past it for one. Two, it broke a writer's block of almost two months. (WOO!) and three, it came came complete with a "what-ever happened to that book you were supposed to be getting published?" Right. Right. Publishing... let's focus on a few articles in a few magazine's first. Before we do that how about we focus on not thinking we're a complete failure.
And not thinking you're a complete failure is a lot easier to do when your friends are also your fans. :)
So the song for this post is Ordinary Breakdown by Bleu... you don't know that song? You can't find it on his website (http://www.bleutopia.com/)? You've never heard of it? Oh. Sucks to be you. You need to go tweet to get him on the Ellen show... simple tweet something to the effect of "Yo @theellenshow I want @bleutopia to #GetOnEllen Watch him at www.youtube.com/bleuteub " and then if Bleu thinks you're as awesome as me and a few other people he'll send you a copy of the song for free. Why? Because he's AWESOME that's why. Just go do it. You'll thank me later when your friends are asking you how you got so awesome. "Oh, I just took Eli's advice and started being awesome."
I'm off to shower and then enjoy more Japan-animae.
This past month has been crazy. I say that every month right? Right. I can honestly say that I've lost myself just a little bit this past few weeks. What's scariest about that is the last week or so has been full of moments when I desperately needed to know myself and be fully aware of who and what I am. Yet the last three weeks I haven't been too sure.
In the middle of my breakdown I wound up calling an old friend (who already has a spot in the thank yous of a book that hasn't been published - We'll talk about the book later) and lamenting to her while we caught up on our lives. We wound up reminding and reassuring the other that we are, in fact, kind of awesome. The kind of awesome that leaves people who are just good (but not awesome) comfortable with being our friends, but leaves them longing to be just a little bit more like us.
Thank God I talked to her. She really is an angel. See, I was recalling every compliment I'd ever received about anything in the history of the ever ever and doubting its sincerity and the merit of the person who said it. Let me tell you, that is the lowest of the low feelings. That's the moment when you realize every last person has some terrible flaw and you wind up dismissing their compliments, then you realize that dismissing their compliments means that you are a stuck up self-righteous prick. Well, that's not fair. It means that you're acting like a stuck up self-righteous prick. Then you really start to doubt yourself.
It's a vicious cycle.
It's just an ordinary cycle every creative person goes through. But it can break people. And then people lose their passions and they settle for the job that the don't like, and don't even pass their former reasons for living off as a hobby.
What's great about realizing that this is where I was? Well, I'm past it for one. Two, it broke a writer's block of almost two months. (WOO!) and three, it came came complete with a "what-ever happened to that book you were supposed to be getting published?" Right. Right. Publishing... let's focus on a few articles in a few magazine's first. Before we do that how about we focus on not thinking we're a complete failure.
And not thinking you're a complete failure is a lot easier to do when your friends are also your fans. :)
So the song for this post is Ordinary Breakdown by Bleu... you don't know that song? You can't find it on his website (http://www.bleutopia.com/)? You've never heard of it? Oh. Sucks to be you. You need to go tweet to get him on the Ellen show... simple tweet something to the effect of "Yo @theellenshow I want @bleutopia to #GetOnEllen Watch him at www.youtube.com/bleuteub " and then if Bleu thinks you're as awesome as me and a few other people he'll send you a copy of the song for free. Why? Because he's AWESOME that's why. Just go do it. You'll thank me later when your friends are asking you how you got so awesome. "Oh, I just took Eli's advice and started being awesome."
I'm off to shower and then enjoy more Japan-animae.
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