Baby it's cold outside!

I know I still haven't posted from my adventure last week, and I'm about to sojourn again. Terrible of me, I know.

I just got over a major cold and am ALMOST caught up on holiday decorating. Almost. The end of the day tomorrow I'll be done and I'll post some more pictures.

And I'll get on that whole roadtrip to Nebraska story and the road trip to Oklahoma City story soon too. But for now, what's important to know is that it's finally really looking like winter. We've got a few inches of snow, and it's leave-your-groceries-in-the-trunk-while-you-hit-the-next-store-and-they'll-freeze cold. That more so than anything else is finally making it feel a lot like Christmas is around the corner. So I lounged around while putting up the Christmas tree and watched Rudolph this morning and White Christmas tonight. Now, finally, it feels like Christmas.

Time Traveling Book Stores

Like most travelers I know, I have a tendency to love reading while I'm waiting for the plane and so I have a tendency to buy books I don't actually want to read in over priced post-security-screening book stores (which also sell a plethora of traveling "necessities" you didn't know you could possibly ever need).
Needless to say, the purchases from these desperate attempts of entertainment sit on my shelf of books I refer to as the books that "I really, really, truly mean to finish reading soon. Really. I mean it. Soon. After I finish this book series that makes me want to forget how to read."

I've got a lot of traveling to do this winter, and I could really use to have a book that can keep my interest after I land too. So I took advantage of a book shopping opportunity this weekend. It's not often that my brother suggests heading in to a book store with me. I'm not that much of a shopper - I'm more of a get in, find what I need and get out kind of shopper- but a good used book store can keep me entertained for hours. So when my brother suggested the Book House, I prepared for a multi hour excursion with tough decisions. (Oh my gosh! They do have that book I've been putting off buying! Oh and look they have that book I lost last month... oh crap, I think I found $60 worth of books I want. I have bills to pay. UGH!!! What goes back?)

The Book House is just what it says it is. It's a house full of books. Literally. It's a house that is so full of books it can be hard to turn around. Two stories of house converted into a literary hub. In short, it's amazing. It's what I sometimes fear my house will turn into.

So, I picked up a few books as a result of a few hours there. The books I've been meaning to buy for a while, but somehow just didn't. It's hard to pass up $5.00 for a book you've been meaning to read for a year.

Typically, I'm not a big sci-fi fan. I don't do the whole time-traveling / alternate universe / robots / aliens / space thing.  My idea of sci-fi is a group of elves, dwarfs and short people running around a Nordic ideal of earth.  But, with my love of Doctor Who and several years of hearing that Jack Finney is amazing, I'm diving into a new world of sci-fi. I'm buffering myself with Isaac Asimov. I read Asimov forever ago (sixth grade!) and loved him, but didn't care for sci-fi so I never kept up on it.

All in all, it looks like I've found my reading material for the winter. Here's hoping I found well. 

And then there was... today.

I travel fairly regularly, you would think I would have mastered the art of fitting three days of clothes into a cary on bag. You would think I've mastered the art of time zone changes. You'd be wrong. 

This trip hasn't bee a complete sob story.  Some amazing food has been found, and loved.

Like this Oreo Shortcake.

And while I can't support any of Cincinnati's sports teams,  there are some lovely neighborhoods and really unique suprises at every corner. 

 

Like this street light at the corner of Rosslyn and Erie.

I'm on my way home tomorrow, and I get the feeling I'll have to come back to Cincinnati later and find more awesome things around the bend.

Song for the Day: West Coast by Coconut Records

Highways and coffee beans

A lot of October was spent getting ready for Halloween weekend. And that kept me pretty far away from my laptop and too wrapped up in flannel to have much to say. (excuses, excuses, I know.)  But I have to gush about this weekend to everyone I know, and that means you! Shameless bragging alert... well not bragging. I so don't deserve the awesome-ness of this past weekend.

Michelle came down for the weekend and we road tripped it on down to T-Town... Tulsa, Oklahoma. The weather was perfect and as usual, we wound up talking the whole six hours down. In short, she's amazing and people suck - a lot - and we have to be willing to stand up for ourselves when the rest of the world turns their back. The trip was the continuation of the amazing drive, with awesome music, fantastic finds around town  (Blue Rose Cafe, Center of the Universe and hair braiding on the River Walk!) and miracle of miracle, not getting lost even on the highway.


The ultimate cause of the trip was the Hanson Fan Club Member Event (there's some debate and a lot of Hanson fans will call it a MOE - Member's Only Event- I contend that they're wrong but that's another post.)  I won't bore you with all the facts here, but the event included a costume contest, and seeing as I was a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato with Isaac's name misspelled five times and a quote from both Noah Roberts and Taylor, I came in Second only to Charlie Chaplin (Amazing! Truely!) I cleaned up: coffee, the 5of 5 dvd set, and I garnered the look of awe from my favorite band. The show was amazing and was well worth the trip even without the prizes.


The only thing that topped the event was the fact that we also received word of a final date for my niece and nephew's adoption to be officially final. Done, final and forever ours. It's fantastic and underwhelming at the same time. Fantastic because it will make them officially ours. Underwhelming because as far as my heart's concerned, they've been officially ours for a few months now, and they were ours long before that. Underwhelming because regardless of whatever the courts say, Cassia's already claimed Tim and Liz as Mom and Dad long ago, and nothing the courts could ever say would mean more than that.  Still, I can't believe the day is finally come. I'm so excited. And can't wait to get up to see them all.  I can tell you now what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving: those kids.

Almost too fitting Song for the day: Penny and Me by Hanson "Penny and me like to roll the window down
Turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground
Penny and me like to gaze as starry skies
Close our eyes pretend to fly
It’s always penny and me tonight

Penny likes to get away
And drowned her pain, in lemonade
Penny dreams of rainy days
And coffee cake by the fireplace
And aimless conversations about the better days"

Short but Sweet

I'm posting from my mom's bed room which was my room when I was growing up. Her bedroom window is open and from the computer desk, I can hear our neighbor's Motown mix.  It's too quiet for any other room of the house to hear it, that's my personal childhood memory neither one of my brothers quite share. That has something to do with why I've loved Motown for as long as I can remember.

Song for the day "Mr. Postman" by the Marvelettes.

BOOO! um... BLUES!... um...

I've been a bit lax about writting lately. Mostly that has to do with how busy and unbusy I've been the last week or so. The fall has come swift and chilly this year. The temperature dropped virtually overnight to be the perfect weather for long walks watching the leaves change color, and that is exactly what my family has been doing. Our walks around St. Vincent's Park has given us a lot to laugh about as our dogs challenge each other (and us) to see who's going to take the lead and who's going to get back home first. For two dogs who do more eating than running this gets to be quite a hillarious challenge.  The walk is gorgeous, laughter aside. It's truly a woodland scene plopped right in the middle of city life. 

Our walks bring us home just in time to settle in for the Blues games. Ah, yes the hockey season has started. And what a start it's been. It's no secret that I'm a Blues fan, and that's about as far as it goes. Other teams' historys are lost on me, but the Blues... oh the Blues are a dominant ficture around my house every season. Four games into the season, we've already seen what will probably be the best hit of the year (Thanks, Winchester) and some the trends that have to change for us to make it to the Cup.  Like every year, I am ambitious and my father is not.  Every year is "the year" we'll make it to the Cup in my opinion. With faith like a child, I sit in front of the tv and hope. Hope that Polak will make the hit, that Halak or Conklin will make the save and that Oshie or McDonald or Steen will make the goal. While my dad sits next to me on the couch and tells me why I will hope in vain. I am a homer, and he is a ... realist. Don't get me wrong, he'd love to see us win. He just sees the flaws as well as the flare. Twice this season, I've been disappointed, but every game I'm encouraged. We've got the passion and it seems like we've got the desire for it. So again this year,  I think we'll make it.

In the mean time, I've got some serious decorating to do. Halloween is almost upon us and I JUST got my jackolantern out. My desk and my bedroom aren't decorated at all. I have been slacking... Granted, I've got other things done. My costume for example is finally underway. I should have that done in about a week and I'll post instructions and pictures when I do.

Morning

We've been blessed with some really amazing weather this weekend. It's the kind of weather that every one dreams of, mid 70s, clear sky and soft breeze. 
I slept with my window open last night, and the soft sun light and chirping of birds right outside my window as my alarm clock completely changed the persepctive of my room. It's amazing what a good drop in the weather can do.

Song for the day: Don McLean's "Castles in Air"
It's the best argument for not living in the city I've ever heard. And also for not sticking in a terrible relationship.

BBQs

Yesterday I met up with a friend I really should talk to more often for a barbeque to celebrate the end of summer and the beginning of the fall. I thought of grabbing the camera but put it down to instead rejoice in being fully in the moment of it. In hind sight, I should have grabbed the camera. 
Jen's home is lovely. Despite the number of men who spend their free time hanging around the living room playing the Playstation 3 (which is pretty sweet) she's managed to make a really cozy and welcoming home (complete with Hanson and Michael Jackson decor - and really anyone who knows her knows that it wouldn't be her house without).  That alone would have been cause enough for a few great pics, but the view driving to her house was breath taking.
The drive takes me through the north county of St. Louis (translate that as "the ghetto") and upward in to what works out to be undeveloped land. Nothing but wooded marshes lining the Mississippi. It was breath taking.  
It's left me ready for another road trip this November, south again to Tulsa. The wooded hills at sunset is what calls me to the road. It's a trip worth while when on the other side is a friend or dozen and a good cup of coffee.
Jen's barbecue was amazing. Mad props to Dan for the skill on the grill. Between the grill and the muffin chocolate chip cookies we can forgive Ethan's terrible rapping.
Song of the Day: The Ladder by Andrew Belle

The writer of one of my favorite blogs got bored one weekend and with some help from her roommates whipped up that music video. The song's been stuck in my head since I saw the video, it's a great by product of reading a blog. :)

What If I Fall?

The week home from California has been one ripe with conflicts. Not only my own but also those of friends and family. 
While many of us have figured out how to look in the mirror and see our own flaws and faults, too many of us have forgotten how to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and forgive others for repeating the same mistake.
It's alright that we've made mistakes, we haven't failed until we refuse to learn and let go.


The song for the day is "What If I Stumble" by DC Talk.

Some great adventure!

I'm back from California, and I'd like to say that my absence is due to some earth shatteringly awesome adventure out to California and a wonderful week in Los Angeles and Anaheim, but I can't. I'd like to be able to say I feel like I saw California and the magic of LA, but I can't. In fact, all that I can say is that the beds and showers of the Hilton Anaheim are amazing, Disneyland is overpriced - even if it does smell like cookies- and the traffic isn't nearly as bad or complicated as people make it seem. It's quite possible, even likely, that I didn't enjoy California as much as I would have liked because virtually the entire time I was thinking about someone who would have made the trip better, or more enjoyable, or simply less lonely. I wasn't thinking of having someone along who would have filled all the empty silences or made the Griddle Cafe more entertaining (there was no way that trip could have gone better), rather I was thinking of the friends who know when to not insert a conversation about a tree whilst staring out in to the expanse of the ocean but know when to insert a conversation about said tree whilst trying to plan an escape to the Sequoia National Forest during my free night.  And so I'm hoping that these pictures will give those of you who should have been there an idea of when I was thinking of you, and will thank those of you who were there for making the trip just a little bit better. :)

Believe it or not I spent the better part of the week in my hotel room... hence my lamentations.  Still I think you can see why I wasn't too bent out of shape about it.

Before I headed to the hotel I did get to see the ocean and a Hanson concert (way to be resourceful! Go me!)

Then on to the Walk and the show, where I wound up thanks to Marie Ann on the balcony stage right... Isaac's side. Win.

For some reason the shaking of the balcony over powered my anti-shake feature on the camera. I find the fuzziness of the shots to be ironic as the whole trip feels a little fuzzy to me now.

 



This shot I love.

Fuzzy yes, but that's Chuck. Important to note... mostly because I hadn't realized that Isaac played the Gibson ES345 on Been There Before until this moment. The "D'oh!" moment for me was MASSIVE.

LOVE this shot as well.  Trust me people were concert called.

But by the time all that was done, I was headed over to work. We kicked off the week of work with dinner at Downtown Disney (over rated.... Disney in general is overrated but c'est la vie) Some of it was awesome and that's what follows...

There is a Lego store in Disney. And I was in full geek mode.

Apparently, Downtown Disney comes complete with busking musicians... on dulcimers.

 Happily ever after includes Prince Charming getting in some serious trouble with Cinderella.

And Ariel used spray on deodorant.

Then I was back to the hotel.  Where I spent the rest of the week.

There are some great shots from the plane on the way home, but those are all stuck on my phone for the time being.

 It wasn't until I was on my way home that I finally saw the wonder of the ocean in such a way that I was awestruck by it. It was seeing it through an airplane window that put it in perspective, and maybe that's what my problem was this week. There was no border, there was no frame, it was just the ocean and Disney open for all the world to see and it was too much for me to embrace.

I'd do it again in a heart beat, but next time I see LA I fully intend to bring a friend or two, so maybe just maybe I can spend less time feeling lonely and more time feeling the wonder of the infinite of the ocean.

Song for today: 3x5 by John Mayer 

We're on a mission from God!

Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we're asking Matt here to do is a holy thing?
Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.
Mrs. Murphy: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are just gonna walk right out that door without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!

Ah it's a Blues Brother's kind of morning. I woke to find a few new blogs posted from some of my favorite people and amongst them was a video of a concert performance in Carnegie Hall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5KTntFnyRQ&NR=1

It's a reminder that music isn't just about having a good time. It's a connection to something greater than our selves. It so quickly wipes away our pretenses and lets us simply be true and authentic. It's scientifically proven to be impossible to not let music affect your demeanor and mood. And a song like this gives the gift of humility and the joy of a hopeful tomorrow. It's worth a listen.

Ambigous

I'm not sure why it is that we often consume so much time trying to find nice ways to say mean things. The amount of time that we waste trying to find a nice way to say "no I really don't want to see you" could be so much better spent. Furthermore, what solution we do resort to usually leaves the other party confused and we wind up hurting the feelings we didn't want to hurt in the first place. 

I've been trying to work this out all weekend and I just can't find any reason to it. Yet, I'm still in the same battle; how to say it, what medium to use (somethings are just easier to take via text and some should never be said over text), and what happens if they just don't get it.

If anyone's figured out the balance of social propriety and conveying the ugly truth, please let me know.

The song for the day: Gordon Lightfoot "If You Could Read My Mind"
It's a track that played through out my childhood. It's underrated but if some how you don't know it by title chances are good that you'll know it when you hear it. Enjoy.

Biscotti

I hate change. Loathe it. I've talked about this before, but in case you missed it. Change makes me feel like I'm being dragged under water by a giant squid and I have no escape. Change is a terrible vile thing that up heaves my life and my standard way of doing things and it causes me to flounder grasping for straws where there used to be plenty and now are none. Change in a floor plan causes me to stub my toes, trip over tables and chairs and throw coffee over everything.
Changes in the arrangement of the coffee bar at work causes me to try to put forks in the coffee maker.
So, I do not take kindly to random people (who probably work in this office) deciding that I need over 200 forks to reside in the drawer that houses my coffee and filters. And that therefore, my filters and coffee can happily commingle with the decaf in the next drawer. Um... no. I don't do well with that at all. We already have a drawer for utensils; forks can go there. Or even in the empty one. But don't move my coffee.
I just spent 15 minutes cleaning out utensil drawers and moving forks out of my way to move my coffee home. I have a feeling it was done by someone who doesn't drink coffee and that person is likely to have biscotti thrown at their head.

Rosh Hashanah

Today's Rosh Hashanah, and there for the new year for the Jewish calendar. It's a day that begins a period of self reflection and repentance.  One of the things I love most about the Jewish faith is the focus to apologize and an attempt to make right the sins of the past. It's something that all too many people fail to do, but something we all need. 
Today I'm starting by repenting for my own sins and my own mistakes, and asking myself to forgive me. I've got a heavy grab bag of things to forgive myself for. And I've got to get past my own injury before I heal the injuries I've caused others and have received from others.

Today's a great day. It's a fresh start.

Song for the day: The Walk by Imogen Heap

We've been blessed with some amazing weather this weekend. This is truly the weather that people dream of mid 70's, clear skies and soft breezes.

I slept with my window open and waking up to soft sunline and birds chirping  was the final straw to win my argument to never live in the city.

Song for the Day: Don McLean's "Castles in the Air" 
It's one of the best pop singer/songwriter songs ever. If it doesn't make you want to move to the country, nothing ever will.

Fall

The summer is drawing to a close. But not before I get to head off to Anaheim for work. Summer will end with my first trip to the beach and a trip to the much discussed and long awaited Griddle Cafe. It's quickly looking like my first day in California will consist of a lot of time sitting on the beach enjoying the feeling of my toes in the sand and the sun possibly roasting me for the second time this summer. (I swear I'm going to wear sun block this time.) 

As excited for this trip and the chance to "look out in to infinity"- as Andrea puts it- as I am, I think I may be more excited about the week that follows it. Something about actually getting to physically work to accomplish something rather than accomplish the simple task of typing and filling out spread sheets is looking insanely rewarding. I know there's nothing glamorous about schlepping boxes and organizing name badges but to know that I've effectively DONE something with my day is a feeling I'm really looking forward to.

I'm doubling up the song for the day. There's so many things that I'm looking forward to and so many things that I have to get done before I go that my head and my heart are being pulled a million different ways.  But the two songs that seem to run through my mind the most here are:
Cold in California by Ingram Hill
Mostly for the lines "Didn't anybody know, didn't tell anybody else that I was gonna go. Didn't anybody see, didn't tell anybody else that I was leaving".  It's a solitary trip for the most part. I'm looking forward to it, and while pretty much everyone knows now that I'm going no body knows the details of the trip yet and that's refreshing. Solitude and the ocean and me.
and
If Only by Hanson
Trust me, those of you who are Hanson fans know the fear this song strikes in calves and legs around the world. If they could talk, they'd be screaming "I don't want to jump! Please don't make me jump!".
I can't help but think of California when I hear this song.  "Every single time I see you I start to feel this way, makes me wonder if I'm ever gonna feel this way again " there's something magical about the simple thought of California and I'm pretty sure it's irreplaceable.   Hmmm maybe it's time for a visit to Grandpa Redwood.

Balance

Lately, I've been thinking about balance. Balance of everything from balancing a check book, to balancing quiet time and a social life, friends and boyfriends, and balancing passions.

It's amazing how difficult the balance can be. 

Balancing the check book is really tough to do when all you want to do is rent a car and travel a few hundred miles to see friends and a few bands on tour, and in stead you find yourself sitting at home thinking about all the albums you're not buying that you desperately want to. The quiet voice in the back of your head saying "Don't buy it... seriously, don't buy it" gets quieter and quieter... 

Balancing quiet time and the social life is dangerous to screw up. Too much of a social life and you start to lose yourself in the mix. Too much quiet (alone, or me) time and you forget how to be social in the first place.

Balancing friends and other relationships is equally difficult. Screw that up and someone is bound to feel neglected and you can watch as your friends turn on their heels and walk away.

Balancing passions is just about as crucial. One passion will burn bright and fast while the others sputter out and stifle out. 

But here at the end of the summer, at the end of August, at the anniversary of the deaths of two of the women I most want to emulate, I'm thinking about this balance.  And just how strong a person has to be to maintain it.

Song for the day: Broken Bells - "The High Road"

On the way that you're still sleeping

I've been in one spot for a really long time. Well, a really long time for me anyway. Typically eight months is enough time for me to feel antsy. After eight months, or two semesters or enough time for my friends to think I might make it a year without changing my cell phone number (always the number, never the phone...sigh) I'm ready for a change. It’s is odd, really, because I hate change. I don't merely hate change the way people hate cold weather and humidity, or hate the feeling of lint in their pockets. I hate change with a passion. I loathe it. I despise it. I dig my heels in to the dirt, stick my head in the sand and avoid it like the plague, yet every eight months or so I'm itching for a change of some drastic proportion; a new job or a new apartment or a new hair cut or some shift in the cosmos. Seriously, I start looking for the stars to appear red as if they started traveling towards us rather than away.
But it's been eight months since my car died and I moved home, and I'm not itching to change. If anything I've gone and dug my heels in to keeping my long term plan which presents very little room to change now but promises MASSIVE change in a year and a half.
I'm not sure what to attribute this shift in my personality to. I'm going to have to assume that it's a new found zealousness for the plans of my life, and that I've finally found a head space I'm happy in. Either that or there have been so many changes in my life that I’ve failed to actively notice. That’s probably more likely.

Song for the day: Tomorrow is Like Today by Guster
It’s a bit of an oldie, but it’s great.

Glasses

It's been twelve years since I've had glasses as my primary vision aid. For the last twelve years I've woken up every day and poked myself in the eye, and wound up making myself cry. Today I picked up two pairs of glasses and put my last pair of contacts to the side. And while the general opinion is that the glasses look amazing (again pictures will follow tomorrow) I'm already pretty sure I know why I was so ready to put my glasses aside a life time ago. The headache and odd eye strain just from changing the way I see is exhausting. But the worst part about glasses is that my peripheral vision is crap. The corner of my eye and the bottom of my line of sight might as well not exist. I'm going to have to get contacts again. I'll wait for a while, but this can't be my only way of seeing. I'm too blind for this.

Song for the day: No Rain by Blind Melon

The Week in Photos

The Blister Tour - Highlights

Michelle! The first to arrive! She came complete with a magazine about Ireland and baggage delay from Delta. Our first stop? Mexican. What else?

 

Andrea! A-Sizzle! The second to arrive! Our first stop? Mexican! What else?

Last week was a week of amazing friends and travel. What might have been most amazing about the week was how having friends visit from other cities can cast your own in such a different light. I've lived in St. Louis for 22 years of my 24 year life, and in the course of those 22 years I've gotten to the point where the awesome things of this city lose some of their shine and uniqueness. Take for example the Arch. As a resident of the "Lou" I've seen the Arch SO many times and it's become synonymous with the city. Every tourist wants to see it, and I'm not always so prone to ushering them to Laclede's Landing when the Loop and Forest Park are at my door step.

This trip however, Michelle and Andrea both requested, nay, demanded that we make it down to at least get a photo spread of the Arch and Michelle needed to get to the top. Apparently getting to St. Louis and not going is like going to Philly and not getting a cheese steak, or going to Seattle and not wearing plaid or getting coffee. Arriving at the Arch, I was reminded at how cool the city actually is. How neat the view really can be and how epic some monuments really are.

The above shot of the Arch looks like it was taken in bluescale but it wasn't. That was the actual color of the sky and Arch that day. It's one of my favorites.

As we rolled in to Minneapolis, I was fully expecting to be swept off my feet for some culturally epic moments. While I was astounded by IKEA (seriously, I'm designing houses around that store), I'd already spent a weekend in the Mall of America and we chose to make this trip a touch less tourist and more everyday Minneapolis. We stopped at the local awesome coffee shop, the amazing ice cream place and while we're finding the similarities between Minneapolis (Izzy's Ice Cream) and St. Louis (Ted Drewes Frozen Custard) we stumbled upon things that we over look in the every day, like Taystee's Bakery Outlet.  

Still a trip to the Midtown Global Market (actually in Minneapolis - thanks Andrea) left us in full appreciation of the things that are every day awesome, and completely tourist worthy. The Midtown gives a very local feel to some very international stores. It is truly a mosaic of America's immigrant history and is a reminder of the cultures that have blended to create the culture of America.  Here we found our similarities and our differences (Andrea and I are both Swedish and German -we're the flip flops of intensities- and Michelle is Czech. ) The differences make our friendship richer, and honestly make the world a better place, particularly when we're willing to embrace them with our similarities. 

This shot was of the truffles at the Swedish and Nordic sweets shop. Yes the Peanut Butter Truffle was worth the million calories.

I would be remiss if I didn't tell you about the concerts. We made it to the Hanson shows in St. Louis and Minneapolis. We met up with my mom and friend Jen in St. Louis. The venue was (as usual) amazing, and the Pageant impressed as it typically does. The set was amazing and the opening act Darren Raser was pretty good. Not the same as if it had been This Is Energy but he didn't take us out of the mood so... (maybe I'm biased... ). Rooney was amazing and the fact that it was Taylor's birthday just made the set all the better.   Hanson's set was fantastic! Old songs that we never hear (Madeline! Strong Enough To Break! Minute Without You!) and an extended medley of songs that evoke audience participation. Sigh. I was eleven again for a night. The audience broke out into the TBS dance (well what we knew of it) and that was a fantastic moment that solidifies St. Louis as being the home of some of the best fans in the world.
Minneapolis' show was amazing for different reasons. We were almost rained out.  The rain abbreviated the set and Rooney was canceled. We got Hanson for an hour and a half before we finally rained out. We were rained on long before that. Dancing to "And I Waited" in the rain was some how magical, and the chorus of "If Only" seemed only so much more fitting as the rain fell closer and closer to Isaac's guitar pedals. (Please don't go, 'cause I need you!)  I would gladly sit through the rain for a show like that again. Taylor has said it before and it's still true, the reason why Hanson and Hanson fans are willing to risk illness and broken gear for each other is that "They love us and we love them. It's as simple as that".  Minneapolis proved it again. Where's the love? Right there, on that stage, in the front row, and in the back dance group and along the bar in the back of the house.

Song for the trip: Pink Moon by Nick Drake

Sunset at Swan Lake

Fade in to the sunset
Hold tight to the lime light
And run away like the day we met

Wind twists through your hair
Let go of the stress tonight
I'll be waiting, come back if you dare.




Song for the day: Good Life by Audio Adrenaline

The Blister Tour

Every time my friends and I travel to see a concert or three, we nickname the tour. The Use Your Soul Tour became the ticket tour because no matter where we went we got parking tickets.  This tour has been not so lovingly named the Blister Tour. Blisters, that's right. We're feeling some pain.
The St. Louis Walk was insanely hot, and I'm pretty sure no one really knew how hot it was before we started walking but it was over 100 degrees. The Walk could have easily been canceled but the band and a hand full of dedicated souls went ahead and trucked through it. There's so many details to the walk but the important notes, Taylor's emotions blistered to the surface and the people who walked with shoes got  a pretty intense guilt trip and a harsh reminder of the severity of what we're working towards. Isaac, I'm pretty sure, has some intense blisters on his feet for the sake of stopping and helping a lost child get through the walk and find their family. It was simultaneously the most exhausting, briefest, and emotionally stirring Walk I've ever seen and that includes the Tulsa Walk in 2007 without Isaac (although in an entirely different way). Needless to say between the Walk, Andrea's broken shoe and my attempt to save her feet by giving her my flip flops, we've got some gnarly blisters on our feet.

That alone wouldn't have won the title of Blister tour. The rental car for the drive to Minneapolis was a good two hours late and so due to some polite calls on our end they upgraded us to a convertible... a Chrysler Seabring, silver with a black soft top. Oh go ahead and drool.  I'll post a few pictures of the little beauty I've named Crystal. The sky was clear and it was all of 80 out side. We rode through Missouri with the top down... again... go ahead and drool.  Please... I'll wait. 
None of us have ever driven a convertible before. All of us were way too excited by the prospect of the convertible for the trip too consider that the sun burns over long periods of time. And over too long a period of time, one winds up with second degree burns on their arms, and that means blisters. Yup. Blisters thanks to Crystal and my overzealous excitement about driving my Mom's dream car. (I want one now too.) 

From the blisters on our feet to the blisters on our arms this has become a full fledged Blister tour. Sigh...

That said this has been the most amazing tour ever. That is a blog that can wait until after the Minneapolis show.

Song for the day: Straight Lines by Silverchair

Friends

The friends from Minneapolis have managed to arrive!  It's been amazing so far and there's still two days left! Here's to friends and Hanson.

Who?

I have been described as a passionate person. I have also been labeled obsessive. I don't argue with either. It's really hard to argue with the truth, but passionate sounds better, so I tend to favor that and correct people who call me obsessive. I was reminded of the severity of my personality this weekend.
I may have become a bit passionate (completely obsessed) with a show called Doctor Who (on BBCAmerica). I might have been more excited about the season finale than I was about anything else this weekend and I had a very full weekend.
Fridays are half days at work during the summer which extends my weekend so much so that my mom and I feel like we have two Saturdays. So Friday afternoon Mom, Dad and I headed down to the lake and to check out other lake front properties they're considering buying next month. We were gone a full seven hours just the three of us in the car with periodic stops to look at some awesome scenery and a few truck stops. I have some fantastic photos I'll get posted later tonight but Friday was a day that reminded me just how hilarious my dad is, and just how wonderful my parents can be.
Saturday was equally spectacular. Mom and I won tickets for Cats at the Muny from work so in the morning Mom took Aunt Faye shopping and I stayed home and cleaned and watched about five hours of the Doctor Who marathon on BBCA.
With the threat of rain looming Mom and I headed out for Cats and hoped for the best. Of course not two minutes before the last scene of the first half (Memories) the rain poured and the show was canceled. Mom missed the entirety of the musical that she wanted to see. It was almost comical. But we played in the rain for a bit and enjoyed the weather. Eventually we got home to watch the season finale of Doctor Who.
I should note that I hadn't stopped mentioning the show for the last 48 hours. I am simultaneously overjoyed at the way the season ended and anxiously saddened by the ending of the season. It draws us that much closer to the end of the 11th doctor and the end of the series.
Despite the fact that this season is over, I highly recommend Doctor Who to anyone looking to watch some awesome re-runs this summer. The fact that two days later I'm still gushing about how amazing this show is might just make up my mind that I'm not just passionate, I might just be obsessed. This one should tide me over until my next obsession nears in, the road trip to Minneapolis for Hanson at the Zoo (oh and if you're in St. Louis, make it to the Hanson show at the Pageant. They don't cancel like the Jonas Bros and Kings of Leon.)

Quote of the day: The Doctor: Maybe you've had enough coffee now; how about some nice, calming tea? Let's get you a cup of chamomile or something, shall we?

Sun Roof

The weather is finally getting to the point where it's consistently good. It makes for some great driving moments, sitting behind the wheel windows down, sun roof popped open and the radio blasting some awesome old school hits. Some awesome jams like "What A Man" by Salt N Peppa and En Vogue and "Steal My Sunshine" by Len.

When the radio finally ran out of awesome songs to drive to (Sorry, Lady Gaga this means you) I switched over to cds... but man, I desperately need some new cds.  Most of my favorite bands and some new loves are dropping albums this summer and I'm itching to get my fingers on them. Among the awesome artists are Carney - they're new to my list but one of the best bands I've found in a long time. http://www.carneymusic.com/

Work in progress...

Sanguine

His cat's tail swings
Ears fall flat against his head
As soft rumble of joy fills the wing
He curls up for the night in the hospital bed
Distrubing the rest of down as it lay
The cat shuffles the sheets
As if he's the only one with any say
No matter his loyalty has earned him no treat.
Steady chirps from machinery
mingles in with the sound of breathing
The cat, Death's iconic falconry,
Lies in wait for the spirit to take its leaving.

Song of the Day: Hold On by Tom Waits

knowing when to let it go

It's 10:30pm on a Sunday night. Time for the wind down, the settling in for the last free sleep before a long week at work with PJs straight from the drier and fluffy extra loved pillows. That's what I SHOULD be doing. Instead, I'm slumped over a thermos I almost never use that I paid way too much for. But it's a thermos that very few people have, and you can't get it anymore, and that makes it worth more than what I paid. Well, to me anyway.
The bottom of the thermos is a thin silicone mat which keeps it from sliding or clinking when you set it on the table. I made the mistake of taking this thermos to work and putting it in an industrial dishwasher. The thin silicone mat was held on by glue. Glue that's very old now. Glue that couldn't handle the industrial washer.  So the glue let go. After I found the mat at the bottom of the diswasher, I let it dry for a week. So now I'm slumped over the thermos breathing epoxy fumes and hoping that there's a way to save the letters that are starting to chip off. If I can't finish off this coffee set with the mugs... the least I can hope for is that Hanson stays "highly caffeinated since 1992".
I know that I shoudln't cling to the theremos... but I don't know when to let go. Maybe that's because I drink too much coffee.

Me, Myself & I

Finally, after several months of debating and waffling, I've ended the friendship I've been clinging to despite the detriment to myself. Finally devotions to friendships were tried and decisions were made.  I can honestly say, this time there is no second chance. There is no way to save it. She's crossed the line. The line I never believed she was capable of crossing.

I'm amazingly alright with it. While I know there's still stress on the doorstep, knowing I decided this and I took the action my gut was crying for is enough to soothe my nerves.

Song for the day: Me, Myself & I by Hanson.

I stayed behind so you'd miss me.

I'm finding myself breaking away from people. I'm distancing myself almost purposefully at this point. I spend so much time by myself in this corner desk of mine that I find myself uncomfortable around people. For someone as verbose and gregarious as I am that's a scary thought.
It's had some benefits. Don't get me wrong. It's afforded me the chance to stay home most nights and actually save some money. It's allowed me to select which friends I want to spend my energy on, rather than feel like I have to talk to the people in my life who don't have anything in common with me. Love is fuller. Loneliness is quieter.

Still, I think I'm rounding the corner where I either find some interaction with people or I'm bound to become the crazy cat lady. Ah the crazy cat lady. Just a lady who has no idea how to handle people but can handle cats... true I'd be the crazy dog lady. I can't handle cats either.

Song for the day: For Today by Jessica Lea Mayfield

We count only blue cars

Since I was 18, I have been accustomed to being able to get up and leave any house, any town, any place I wanted to. In fact, since August of 2004, I have been accustomed to actually doing this. The highways surrounding Maryville, Missouri are very well known to me. (Should you ever get lost in that corner of the world I can point your way, at least until you get to Nebraska.) Every time I would get to feeling listless or trapped, generally depressed or frustrated I would take an hour out of my day and drive. There are amazing things to be found in the small towns surrounding a small college town; bizarre names, awesome shoppes and gorgeous landscapes. But most of what I found on these journeys was freedom.

It dawned on me not too long ago that the reason why I have been so listless and perhaps why I have been so easily stressed is my lack of a car. It's been nearly six months since my last voyage out and about just for the thrill of driving. Scratch that... seven months. As the summer wears on, I find myself not staring that the trees longing for the scenery, I'm gazing at the highway pining for a road trip with the music up, the windows down and my hair whipping me in the face. The simple notion of not being able to just get up and go is driving me crazy. I feel like a caged bird. That even considers the road trip to Tulsa and OKC in March. I didn't drive. I didn't roll down the windows and belt out my favorite song (once but the windows were up, and I was the only one who knew the words to Nelly's 'Country Grammar'). The notion of picking up and going is what I'm missing. I've got the best summer sound track for road trips; a little Company, Carney, Hanson and a dash of Avenue Q. Well, that would get me to Tulsa. But with out that car, with some one else's schedule to meet, it's just not a road trip. It's just a meeting on wheels.
This summer I'm taking that long awaited road trip. I'm taking detours. And I'm not going to see anyone for near long enough to be tired of them.

My stress breaking freedom bringing vacation on wheels. I can't wait!

Song for the day: Blue Cars by Dishwalla

The Truth shall leave you bruised

Randomness from this weekend:

The thing about telling people the truth is that it usually hurts. It's necessary and it's ultimately helpful, but the moment we start to do it... it's not a pretty site. 

If you don't want people to treat you like a child, you shouldn't act like one.

Good people make concerts worth while.

Meeting up with people you don't often talk to is usually worth it.

Following through on promises can make people really happy, encouraged and feel loved.

Not following through on promises can make people really hurt, disappointed and feel unloved.

Some things will never change no matter how much we want them to.

Words hurt. Even the words you didn't really mean to say and wish you can take back can cut just as fast and as deep as the words you choose with care.

Song for the weekend:
No Better by Sherwood

A Bit Tired of Shouting

I've been a so busy I've forgotten how to breathe and sit down to write. For this I am truly sorry.  Truly.
So here's the recap of what's going on.  I've given hints that I'm on the edge of walking out the door of a few relationships and that there are a lot of changes on my horizon. Those of you who know me know that change and me don't get along. We're like oil and water, like oil in the water in sensitive unstable ecosystem.  It's not a pretty picture.

It goes with out saying that some of my friends are making decisions that I not only personally disagree with but jeopardize the very essence of our relationship. But that's neither here nor there.

About a week ago, (was it that recently?) I was reminded that life is way to short to spend playing it safe. And since then my conversations have decidedly turned towards encouraging people to at least not let their passions die.  From friends who've found the rough patch in their game plans of life, to co-workers who let their passion for writing fade as they got older, my resounding chorus for the last week, maybe two, has been "Do it! Even if all you do is for you, you can't let it die." 
Why? Because it's a part of your voice, a part of your spirit, it's the part of America that creates, that produces rather than consumes. It's the part of America that discerns rather than sits back and just takes what they can get. 
We all have hopes and dreams while we're growing up, but then somewhere along the line we start playing it safe. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing when you need to let a dream go, but there's something wrong with letting passion die. That passion is the thing that gets me out of the bed in the morning and reminds me that the beige walls of my office are not the only horizon I'll see.

It's the quiet fight for passion and art that I've been advocating. I'll never tell you that we can all be rock stars or all be on the New York Time's best seller list, but we all enjoy something creative and we can't lose that in the grind from 9 to 5.  I'm a bit tired of shouting at people (friends and co-workers alike) to just have some passion. I don't like shouting. In fact I dare say I hate it. I want people to listen, not just hear me but listen, and that way I can save my voice a bit.

Despite all that frustration with myself for not being as passionate as I should be (ooo I"m preaching to myself) and with people who's eye's shine when they talk about their book but then don't pick up a pen, today I was hit with the one piece of news that makes it all worth it. The 38 year old co-worker who had his dreams ripped from his hands in the prime of his life is setting aside some time this weekend to write. No pressure on himself, he's just going to sit down and write. Whatever results is the result. That's refreshing.

I've yammered on long enough... but I will say this, through out it all, I've had a smile on my face because of this album.  

Oh go check it out. Buy it, rock out... and smile. Because this time around, we know life's a battle that we all ultimately lose... but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.

I know it isn't much

This weekend was a lesson in love languages and balance.

We all have a way that we tell people that we love them. Some of us use words, some of us give gifts, or buy dinner, some of us do things that we know the other person doesn't want to do so they don't have to, some of us require cuddle time. Remarkably, my family is about diverse in love languages as possible. That leads to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of resentment.

This weekend though we somehow found a way to balance all of that and get a long. We got things done and that was a good feeling.

Song of the day: This Christmas I'm Yours : This Is Energy.

You used to laugh under the covers... maybe not so often now...

Stay or leave... that's the question. It feels like that's the question of my life most of the time. End a relationship, just walk away or just give space. There's a never ending attempt to balance forgiveness with sticking in a bad relationship.

Song of the day: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews.

Game Plans and baby steps.

There's a problem with game plans... the things in life that require good quality well thought out game plans are the ones that require a lot of waiting.

The game plan for paying off debt, for finishing school, for moving, for buying a car or even for getting a better job all require a well planned and well executed game plan. I can write out a game plan. I can even sit down and figure out what's realistic and what's going to require me to win the lottery to make it happen. I write it all out, and then I take the first step and then I get to wait. Wait for the next pay check, for August, for another month or two for leases to be open, wait for a down payment to build up... and wait for everything else to wrap up before I go chase the job.  

Waiting sucks. Waiting makes other people think that you aren't trying, and just to be clear... I'm trying but it's a matter of baby steps.  Painfully slow and tiny baby steps. Sigh.

Songs that make the daily battle a little bit easier:
Sherwood : Best In Me 
http://bit.ly/BestInMe_Sherwood

It's been a minute

So it's been a while since I updated... the weather turned. I've been soaking up the rain, and swimming in laudry.

However, I wanted to throw out a song for you who follow... a song of the week as it were...

When Did Your Heart Go Missing - Rooney

Turn the radio up!

The weather has gotten AWESOME! here.  Seriously.  No no no... SERIOUSLY AWESOME!

Awesome enough that I'm driving around with the windows down, radio up... wait let me do this right...I've started to "roll the window down, turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground".  This (of course) means I've needed some high quality jams and I've turned to the radio up and found a bunch of old awesome songs, and then some commercials and then some really crappy music.  Let me tell you, that can just kill a day.

So I'm itching for some new music and to the benefit of the world new music is coming. Here's some albums you need to check out from some bands you can count on to take an awesome drive and make it a-mazing.

Carney - Mr. Green: Volume 1

oh I know, with a band name like Carney you've already got the circus tent and jugglers in mind. Simmer down and come back to the city. Check them out at www.carneyband.com and check out the video for "Love Me Chase Me". If some how you manage to watch the video with out drooling all over your keyboard you'll have noticed that they're FANTASTIC.  

Hanson - Shout It Out

If you know me at all you will have noticed that I'm a Hanson fan. Not one of those "Oh my god, you're a Fanson. I bet you know what color toothbrush they all have." Hanson fans. No no, I'm the kind who just happen to have awesome taste in music. If you've been living under a rock or tuning me out for the last 13 years, go check them out. You might just be pleasantly surprised when you do.  Check out the video for "Thinkin' 'Bout Somethin'" (and you know I cringe with all those apostrophes) and check out the new material at www.hanson.net

Caedmon's Call - in the works

Ok this is kind of cheating... and completely different. The album is in the works but if it's half as good as Derek Webb is making it sound on twitter it will be something awesome this fall.   

Ozarks

She pauses as hair falls across her face
A shiver builds resolve in her shoulders
She's quit counting scars she's earned in this place
And let the burn marks fade as ashes smolder.

In the far corner he sits in a chair
Watching as the door swings wide
There's too much to say in the thin mountain air
But he's found silence is the best place to hide.

Suddenly, although nothing happened
She covers the mars on her arm
He grimaced at the scars her tears can't dampen
The price to pay when love comes to harm.

a breath of fresh air to fill your lungs

It's no small secret that I've been over analyzing just about everything I've ever said and or done in the last few weeks. I've been super cranky, had terrible headaches, and general grumpies. 

Last minute I heard about a This Is Energy show tonight at the Hard Rock. Lucky it was free... and it was a Battle of The Bands... something about it felt like everything I needed tonight and it felt a little full circle. The first time I saw Adam (and Britton) perform was at a battle of the bands in a tiny little dive downtown before I was old enough to drive. So I yonked my mom's car and headed out when I would normally be in bed.

I've never been so glad for a lack of sleep. If Dave's guitar playing wasn't enough to lift my mood, the kiss off "If You Ever Make a Come Back" and "Let the World Know" were enough to let my frustration rise to the surface and steam away. By the time the guys launched in to "Just Breathe" I was willing to listen to a simple message that I've been all to willing to ignore as of late. I find it funny that I'm willing to listen to it now when Adam's singing it not to me, but I'm not willing to listen when Andrea's all but shoving it down my throat. There is something cathartic about a drum line pounding through your chest, a guitar playing your heart strings and a bass rolling through your ears. There's something healing about listening to a performance so passionate you have to close your eyes to keep from crying.

I had to ask Adam if he was still attending the church that we shared for that brief year and a half, or even the church that left me with scars and threw me into the church were we first met. He's not and somehow that's more refreshing than I can even explain. But it leaves me with one thought. God works all things for good. He was willing to turn one hellish experience into an chance to know someone who would play a role in encouraging me in my darkest hours. Even if all it led to was a reminder to breathe a decade later, God's got a plan we just have to follow it.

Alarms and chimes

I spent some time this weekend just enjoying some simple pleasures, good jazz and a good book. I'm not entirely sure where I discovered these small passions. Sometimes I feel like the only member of the family who will put on a record and curl up with a book. More often than not I hear from my mother how she just can't get into the books and movies that my dad and I will lose entire days to. I also rarely hear my dad turn off the tv so he can lose himself in a great album. But somewhere there is a combination of their passions that turn me in to a book worm with an ear for a smooth trumpet and silky guitar.  Thank God for that.

I needed that. I find that I need time away from people with a good book and good music. There are little "crankiness alarms" in my head that start sounding when I don't. I started realizing this and really embracing my coffee shop moments while I was away in college. It was the best thing I could have done and I'm not entirely sure why I let myself get away from it when I got back home.

Song of the day: Summer time by Duke Ellington

Flames of Memory

A soft breeze, gentle as satin
Wafts across the path
Well beaten, smoothed over by
Clydesdales and wagon wheels.
I look back, still as marble
Remembering and forgetting
A tiny flame, barely candle bright
Burning our concrete bridge.



Song of the Day: Not What You Want by Ingram Hill

Burning bridges

A comment was made to a friend today that sometimes you just have to burn your bridges and walk a way.
That's easier said than done when your bridges are concrete.
I started seriously considering if I'm neglecting burning my own bridges for the sake of not getting smoke in my eye.
Still I'm waiting by the phone... hoping my bridges don't have trolls living beneath them.

I'm afraid that there are diamonds letting you go

Every other time I've been in this situation I've known what to do and how to handle it. Every other time I've been at a spot where I had to choose to stay and fight or leave, I've always known what to do. And almost every time a friend has been in this spot I've known how to deal with it. At this point... I'm torn. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
A piece of me feels like this will blow over because it always has. It always does. That's how things work with this relationship...
But then we're at the point where the relationship ends for me. It's been almost 5 years. That's my breaking point. I'm so tired. So tired of constantly bailing her out. Of constantly fixing her problems. So tired of pulling out information about who she is and what she's doing. 

I don't have the energy for it. But then... maybe it's just that I'm tired of arguing. I've lost a sense of grace I used to have. I just don't know.

Promises, Promises

Ah so I promised you stories from the weekend in OK! So here are a few... well, at least breif lessons learned... and maybe some stories.

Sand Springs is really far away from Tulsa when you've already been in the car two hours longer than neccessary.

When you can't say a word in certain company it seems to be the only word you need to say.

12 hours in a car with people you don't really know can drive you to drink.

It's hard to share a bed with someone you want to smack.

Lies are hard to digest.

The best places to be are tiny little dive bars you have to go looking for.

40 year old women don't need to wear mini skirts to said dive bars.

Dreams come true if you're willing to keep your eyes open and look for them.

The best lines are said when no one has a pen to write them down.

106.1 IS the BEST radio station in Oklahoma and even they repeat the same 25 songs.

"No Rain" by Blind Melon is not creatively ironic to play while it's snowing.

Flip flops are not the best shoes of choice when it's snowing. Neither are Toms.

Dry socks are worth stopping for and worth putting on while you're still in KMart.

Just because a man has dated a girl doesn't mean he's straight.

Never assume you didn't get the shot, but take another one anyway.

Looks can be decieving. Sometimes the chili cheese omlete is the best thing on the menu and the salsa kills the hashbrowns.

The green sauce will kill taste buds.

Mexican is always a safe bet.

If the restuarant smells like fish when you open the door chances are all your food will taste like fish.

Museums are meant to be enjoyed slowly and reverantly. Bouncing up and down like a five year old will get you yelled at and will cause all of your friends to consider just how closely they want to stand near you.

There is always one friend who is the "mom" of the group. Her kids are the reason she drinks. (If you're not sure if you're one of her kids, you probably are.)

Appearances can be everything.

It's worth walking barefoot through the snow to see the better appartment.

If a coffee house can't make a good cup-o-joe, chances are I can take it out.

Asking artists about their work will get you mad props.

Always ask the sales clerk at a local store about their favorite merch. You might just meet someone awesome and get a great music referrence too.

Some people are more than kind of awesome.

Finally if you don't set your boundaries, someone will press all your buttons.

Those are just some of the lessons we were reminded of.  But the best is this: Hope comes in all sorts of ways and places. Sometimes it's the one who's giving advice, sometimes it's the one who needs it who creates it, but hope never travels alone. You've got to be open to people to see the hope in their lives.

Brief

Never under estimate the power of balance. Never. Ever.

Every rose has a thorn

This weekend has been full of awesome sauce and chilli cheese and bad ideas for my digestion. This weekend has been the first annual "Typing with purpose convference".  A group of writers from various different backgrounds and with different styles have gathered to bounce off ideas and embrace the dissonance and make something (hopefully) beautiful out of it. Although, that's not how this weekend was billed it's what it's become and that's actually kind of amazing. 

It was billed as just a weekend of friends.... but it quickly became a weekend of friends who like pens. 

At the same time that we've all found something awesome to share with each other we're finding out what our limits are.  I'll add some stories later.. I promise.

I heard the news today...

I got word today that my best friend miscarried this week. It's brought about a series of emotions that seems to rest somewhere in a dynamic sense of loss and self-righteous anger and then concern.

A sense of loss because Peanut J Love Muffin was gonna be one kick but kid. And the kid in town who I could play aunt to when I can't see my neice and nephews in Nebraska. If Peanut tured out half as awesome as his parents he'd be one hell of a kid. I'm greiving the chance to see him grow up, and the chance to watch my friend watch him grow up. She is really ready to be a mom.
Which brings us to the self-righteous anger and concern. She's ready to be a mom, and there are very few people who I could say that of. She's not looking to fill a void in her life by having something to do or someone who loves her. She wants a family because she's ready to give all the rest of the love in her oversized heart to someone else in her family. She's so ready for it it hurts. She's so motherly that I sometimes wish she was old enough to be my mom so I could have yet another. And I mean that in the most sincerly happy way ever. She's a bake you cookies when you're having a bad day kind of mom. If you ever meet her, you'd know it right off the bat too.  So the anger kicks in.
How could God not give her this kid when he's willing to let my crack head cousin have two? How could God not put a kid in to this insanely happy and healthy home when he'd put six into the unhealthy home my neice and nephews were saved from? How could he play with my friend's emotions to let her conceive but then not carry to term? Where the hell is the good in that?
Then the anger at society's phrases for this. It's always "So and so miscarried." or "She lost the child", there is always a tone of fault and it's always the mom's. That's not fair. Trust me there was nothing this girl could have done to have better prepared herself and her body to carry this kid. She wasn't running around lifting a million pounds or drinking or smoking or what have you. She created the best little home for the kid possible. If Peanut wasn't willing to stick around, that's not her fault at all.
The anger gives way to concern. What can I say to her that will make this better? Nothing. I can try but then again, there's nothing I can do. Not a single solitary thing that will make this different or better. I know she's crying her self to sleep. I know she wants to hide from the world, curl up in a little ball and let the world go away. I don't know how to pull her out of it and I don't know if I'd want to. If I were her I'd hate me for pulling me out of it. Then there's her husband who's become a friend as well. How does he go on with school and work when his world is falling apart? How does he save his wife with out throwing away everything they've worked so long and so hard for?

I don't have the answers to these questions although it's not the first I've been in this spot. It wasn't that long ago that I was asking the same questions when my brother and sister (in-love) suffered the loss of their first child. If you think of it, please say a little prayer for my friend and all the families who have lost loved ones particularly children. Lord knows that's the only way to save these broken hearts.