I didn't make it a huge secret. I love music. I loved a certain band when I was a teenager. I loved the certain band though college. I loved them after college. I loved. Loved. This band.
Things change though, as they always seem to do. I was 25, and life got really difficult. For the first time in my life, it wasn't difficult in a way that I thought I could fix, so I scraped the chalk board and moved away with a giant chip on my shoulder.
And when I was playing Atlas, music was one of the few things I clung to to get me through. But the problem with that is that now, the band I thought I loved had to play against the bands that I liked and against all the bands I finally listened to now that I had to redefine everything and put aside assumptions. Suddenly, the band I loved just lacked a certain something.
To make things worse, they put out what even their own guitarist called the worst album they've ever made. The first single was so bad that I almost didn't buy the album. I tried to let it grow on me, but at this moment, I couldn't even tell you what it was. It was just that "eh". Ultimately, I bought the album, I tried to like it, and some of the songs were catchy. But the more I listened to it the more I realized that the songs that spoke to moods weren't as good as other songs I already owned, the songs that were just fun, weren't as fun as the songs I refused to buy on the radio, and the songs that should have been a flexing of their musical muscle, just left me thinking "Oh, so they were listening to Grizzly Bear when they wrote this... huh. I really want to listen to Grizzly Bear now". It was the kind of album that leaves you thinking "This is almost good, but then they did this one thing, and it killed what they had set up. It killed their groove."
But I was used to them releasing songs that I didn't care for. Every album had one or two. Every year their fan club album had one or two. I roll my eyes when they play it at a concert and wait for the good stuff.
But this? This was a whole album that made me rethink everything for a moment.
I waited for the next annual fanclub ep. It was average at best, and out of 5 songs (I usually like 3, love 1, and ignore the last) I kinda liked one.
And then, one of my coworkers figured out that I liked this band. I was in the "This last album sucked... but they'll be ok." stage.
And all the ridicule this band produced during my teenage/college years came rushing back. And while this one friend is a safe friend and the teasing is in jest, he shared it with the rest of my colleagues (not a safe place). That was over a year ago. I haven't forgiven him for it. I reminded him of that last month.
The next fan club ep... still pretty much sucked. Two decent songs, but even then I suddenly thought... this could be better. I went to the fan club party, and the show was good, but it didn't shake my soul. Then the rest of the weekend, I spent it with my friends wishing that we were just hanging at my bar instead of running around with my "favorite" band. There was an after party... and I just wanted to be at my bar.
This year, while the fan club ep was being written the fans were invited to tune in and watch... and it wasn't awesome. Then the drummer posted pictures to instagram, and facebook, and twitter, and they were rife with typos. I mean I'm a bit of grammar nerd, and I'm not saying someone can't have an error. But it's blatant with him. It's like he just doesn't care. It's the tiniest symbol of him and the band not really caring. Tiniest. Like no one else would take it that way... but... I snapped back. And I didn't regret it.
My brother pointed it out.
And I suddenly realized that if I never saw this band in concert again, it would be alright.
I listened to them the entire drive home from St. Louis, and I realized that they have some talent. But they weren't worth the effort that the fans pour in to being a fan. It just wasn't everything we want it to be. There are glimmers of it, but it's as if they lack a discerning rod, or an editor.
And... I am not a fan. I used to be.
My other brother and I have talked at length about the bands who have a bad album and never really recover from it, and the bands who have a bad album and do come back from it. The bands who do are the ones who realize that it was bad and why. I don't think my band realizes why it's bad. They do SO much. They do. But that causes them to rush and try to produce something worth while in about a week. A WEEK. There's only so many great ideas that can just pop out that are worth while in a week. It's no longer an art form, it's a hobby. This is no longer a band who writes songs with soul searching stories, lingering hooks, and haunting harmonies. This is a mad dash to just get it done before the fans wander off to some other indie local band. And the sad truth is some of the other indie local bands who aren't doing as much can focus on their craft and it's better, and I don't have the enthusiasm for this high school fodder.
So I came to terms with it.
Last week, I was out with friends and one of them pointed out my key chain. My fan key chain. He chuckled. I couldn't explain that I just hadn't thought about the key chains, and all of this, because he didn't really care. So I called him a dork, told him he was judgmental and I loved him anyway. He returned the sentiment.
I came home and a few days later, I took the key chain off. My keys are a lot lighter.
Songs for Today: Ed Sheeran I See Fire
It's a song from the Hobbit. Yup. But it's been stuck in my head for a few days now, and it seems to fit my mood at work perfectly. "Well, should my people fall then surely I will do the same."
Hanson: Go
Because the glimmers are the sometimes the most beautiful and painful parts of a break up. "I never thought I'd want to let you go."
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